2003-08-04 - 2:58 a.m.

- I want you to lie down and close your eyes.

- Now I want you to journey to where your father is. Tell me when you see him.

It seems to take a long time. I'm very worried that this won't work, that I'll be doomed to failure right from the beginning, that I won't be able to see him at all.

- Do you see him?

"No, not yet."

- Ok, tell me when you see him.

I feel as though I'm searching in the darkness. And then I see a figure in the distance. I know that it's him. I can feel it.

- Do you see him yet?

"Yes, but he's far away."

- Bring him closer to you, or you walk closer to him.

"Ok, he's closer now."

- Look inside and find the parts that belong to him. Put your hands there and take it out.

I put my hands on my middle, above my belly button, and I begin to gather it up.

- Ok, now offer it to him and say, "Father, this belongs to you and I don't want it anymore." Hold it out to him.

I hold my hands out in front of me and softly begin.

"Father, this belongs to you..."

- Louder. Make sure that he hears you and know that you mean it.

"Father, this belongs to you and I don't want it anymore."

- Is he taking it?

"Yes."

- Ok, good. Look some more. Is there any more?

I pull more out of my middle.

- Offer it to him and say, "This belongs to you. I don't want it anymore."

"This is yours, and I don't want it anymore."

I can feel tears running into my hair on either side of my face.

Several more times I pull out pieces and offer them to him.

I pull at one, at it seems to go on and on and on.

- Is it a cord?

"Yes."

- I want you to pull it until you feel the end, then cut it with this.

I feel a knife being put into my hand. I pull and pull until it stops, then feel the cold blade on my stomach as I cut it.

- Ok, give it to him. Say it loudly.

"This is yours, and I don't want it anymore."

- Do you feel him anywhere else? Take it out and give it back to him.

My hands go to my lower abdomen. Over and over my hands scoop it out and offer it to him.

Then my hands begin to move upward, but stop. I begin to cry audibly now.

- What's the matter?

"I don't feel right touching there."

-Touching where?

I hesitate.

"My breasts."

- It's ok. You feel him there?

"Yes."

- Do you want him there?

"No."

- Take out what belongs to him and give it back to him.

Daniel asks if he can move my shirt out of my way. I nod. I pull out everything that feels wrong.

"Dad, this is yours, and I don't want it anymore."'

My hands go back to my lower abdomen. I'm still scooping out stuff.

- What does it look like?

"It's yellow and squishy, kind of like pus."

- Ok, give it back to him.

"This is yours, I don't want it anymore."

The tears continue to stream. I reach lower. Daniel asks for permission to move my skirt lower so I can reach. Again and again I pull it out of my pubic area and offer it back to my father. More and more. And another cord that seems to last forever. My fingers frantically claw it out, and I can hear myself sobbing, panting for breath. I hear myself whimpering,

"I don't want him there."

And then I scoop even more out of my abdomen, more and more.

"There's such a big hole."

- It's ok, you're going to fill it back up. Look again, is there any more of him left?

I want this to be over. There can't be any more. But I want him gone, all of him.

- Look on the back of you as well.

Yes, he's there, on my buttocks. I raise myself up to reach. I have sensory images of his hands on me there. I angrily pull it all off.

"This is yours! I don't want it anymore."

- Look again. Do you see any more?

There is more. On my inner thighs. I scrape it all off. I shudder slightly and murmur,

"Memories."

- It's all right. You're giving back what's his. You'll both be able to heal from this.

- Look again. Do you see any more?

I feel myself grow quiet. I feel all hollowed out from my pubis halfway up my chest.

I look at my throat, but then I angrily think no, the bastard never had my voice! He never had my voice!

- Do you see any more?

"No."

- Ok, good. How do you feel?

"I feel clean."

- Ok, that's good. Now ask him to give back to you any part of you that he's taken or that you might have given to him. Say it loudly.

"Please give back all that you've taken or that I've given to you."

- Not "please". There's no need to be polite. You're asking for what's yours.

- Is he giving anything to you?

"Yes."

- Take it in your hands. Does it feel like it belongs to you?

"Yes."

- Ok, put it where it belongs.

I receive several pieces that I put in my middle to fill up the cavity.

- Is he giving anything else to you?

"Yes."

- Does it feel like you?

"Yes."

- What does it look like?

I gasp.

"It's my heart."

- Your heart, ok. And what does it look like?

"It looks like a very white butterfly. Like the one that someone told me was a fairy once."

- Good, that's good.

Dad hands me something black, like a large liver. I don't even reach out my hands for it.

"I don't want that!"

- Ok, send it back to him. Is he giving you something else?

"Yes."

- Take it in your hands. Does it feel like it belongs to you?

"Yes. This one is red and it's pulsing."

I put it immediately just above the pubic area.

I'm still crying. I feel the need to explain something to Daniel.

"I was afraid that he'd be angry, but he's just really, really sad."

- It's ok. This will be helping him, too. Is he giving you anything else?

"No."

- Look at him. Do you see anything else that belongs to you?

I look. I see a white "V" of light extending above both pelvic bones.

"Yes."

- Ask him to give it to you.

"Give me back what belongs to me."

- Is he giving it to you?

"No."

- Demand that he give it back to you. Tell him to do it now.

"Give me back what belongs to me NOW."

- Is he giving it to you?

"No. He's crying."

- He doesn't want to lose the connection with you, but it will help both of you to heal. Can you take it back?

"No."

- Ok, do you have a power animal?

"Yes."

- What is it?

"A deer."

- Ok, call him. What does he look like?

"He has sharp antlers."

- Sharp antlers, ok. What is he doing?

"He's waiting for me to tell him what I want him to do."

- Ok, when you're ready, tell him to get what belongs to you.

I don't know if this feels right. I don't want dad to be hurt. But I also know that this is necessary. I ask the deer to retrieve what's mine.

- What is he doing?

"He's ripping it out with his antlers."

- Ok, take it from him. Does it feel like it belongs to you?

"Yes."

- Put it where it belongs. Look at him again. Do you see anything else that belongs to you?

"No."

- Ok. Now you can say anything to him that you want. You can ask him not to contact you, or you can thank him for giving back your own, or you can say goodbye, whatever you want.

I don't know what to say. I'm suddenly aware that there are other people listening. I want them to know that he's not a bad person, that I do love him, despite all that happened.

"Daddy, I know that you were hurting. But you hurt me, too. And now we can both heal. Goodbye."

- What is he doing?

"He's leaving. He's so sad."

- But he's healing, too.

- Can you feel the parts of you that you have back?

"Yes."

- Do you feel how beautiful you are?

A gush of tears.

"Yes."

- Whenever you're ready, you can sit up now.

I sit up, facing away from the group, rearranging my clothes.

- How do you feel?

"I feel things where I don't remember feeling them. It's all foreign, yet familiar."

I smile.

"And I feel incredibly light. I think I'm just going to float around the rest of the day."

- When you're ready, I'd like you to turn around so everyone can see you.

I wipe my eyes and I turn around. There is a collective gasp from the group.

- Does she look different?

Everyone seems to agree that I do.

I'm not surprised, for I must look different. I feel different. I don't feel haunted by my father anymore. I feel like me more than I ever have in my life.

I sit in bemused wonderment, feeling the change as Daniel discusses what happened with the group.

He asks if I mind telling what my sex life had been like. I say that I presently have a wonderful partner, but that I've never been able to achieve orgasm with him. He says that's because my sexuality had been stolen from me.

But now I have it back.

And it surprises me how much was taken from me. My heart. The bastard had my heart. And I'd never realized it.

Thank you, Daniel, for helping me to reclaim what is mine.

previous - next